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Boy, you're gonna carry that weight

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7/11/11 11:36 pm - How do I have 82 messages?

Dear god.

Okay, so it's been a long time. So I am going to post something here, but I'm not really sure what to say. Let's see.
-I'm identifying as male nearly all of the time now
-I'm trying to get set up with a gender therapist
-I'm wasting my life on a website full of assholes solely so I have somewhere to pretend to be a cis guy
-I'm even more of a Beatles fanboy than I was before
-I've played a full year of rugby
-I'm starting my second summer course tomorrow, a repeat of a physics class I took
-And I'm scared
-I'm getting into The Chain Gang of 1974
-I'm reading Cat's Claw solely because Amber Benson wrote it
-I survived two ER visits, a day hospital, and group therapy

7/28/10 09:10 am - Another work post.

I can't believe I managed to get up at six this morning and run. I'm sort of tired and sore now. xD

I've been listening to Jawbreaker at work- I bought Dear You on iTunes and I've only just now gotten around to listening to everything on it. Chemistry is quickly becoming my favorite song. It's just so catchy, and also I keep wondering about all of the people the narrator mentions in the song. Sort of like how Piano Man draws me in with its stories of various people. Only with a bit more of an angry outcast in school vibe.

I should get back to work, but it was nice to get a little break. Getting ready to show this website to the person I'm making it for, and getting a little nervous about it.

7/27/10 10:33 pm - In which intrakinesis and I have an adventure.

(It's like Noah's Ark, but on crack.)

One day, there was a massive storm. It was mostly a lot of rain and not so much thunder or lightning, and there wasn't any tornado warning, so you and I could both enjoy it thoroughly. The rain went on for days, it seemed, but we didn't mind. We did manage to tire of days indoors mostly, even though we have plenty to do... ;)

So one day we decided to go out and run around in the rain, playing together. It was fun. We got soaking wet, and our clothes were messy, but we had a great time, and then we had a wonderful excuse to be nice and naked.

We thought the rain would stop soon. But it didn't. It went on for so long that soon it began to flood. And it occurred to us that maybe the rain wasn't going to stop. So we tried to waterproof our home, and make sure we didn't lose anything. Eventually the rain stopped, but when we looked outside, we gasped.

The whole world was covered in water, it seemed. So I made a boat from my bathtub, and you and I sailed out in search of other people, and because it was a nice day and being on the water was fun. :)

We had a lot of fun sailing out to look for other people. We managed to fit our instruments in the bathtub- we got one large enough for both of us at once ;)- and so we serenaded each other as we sailed.

Oddly enough, though, every person we ran into said similar things. We'd ask how they were, and they'd laugh. We'd ask where they lived, and they'd all say, "Over the hill, you can't miss it," and gesture to a hill that we could never see.

Also, it was the weirdest thing. All of them had elaborate beards. Each one contained something different twisted in the hair there, like flowers, or even a miniature replica of a pirate ship. The latter was found in the beard of the most helpful person we saw.

She looked to be about our age, but she was standing on top of what looked to be part spaceship, part submarine. She told us that the rain weakened the barrier between our world and hers. And the only way to set things right was to go to the bottom of the sea and pull a giant plug that would drain the water.

So we hopped into her spaceshipmarine and we set off for the plug.

We spent a lot of time talking, laughing, playing games, and singing songs to each other. We talked about painting it (the submarine) yellow. But then decided that it would be too hard to do underwater.

Anyway, she revealed to us that she was actually a priestess. And authorized to perform marriages. So we got married. Though it was kind of an odd ceremony.

She asked "Which one of you is the grapefruit in this relationship?"

We didn't understand, so we decided you would be the grapefruit. You had to carry a duck around during the ceremony. And we all had to be naked. And finally, with the ceremonial conga line, we became officially married.

We reached the plug a few days later, and pulled it out quickly. As we did, we could feel reality starting to shift. Our friend and her submarine were rapidly vanishing. We hugged her goodbye, careful not to crush the ship in her beard. She'd spent years building it.

Then we held hands and cuddled until we were back in our world completely. We were sitting in the middle of the road outside our house. The duck came with us. I think he had a crush on you. So we kept him and named him Travis. The end. :)

7/24/10 04:28 pm - *takes a deep breath*

 Dear people I generally like,

I'm writing this here because it's been a while since you did these things, but it's been bothering me, and I need to let it out somewhere, if only to remind myself to actually fucking respond the next time you do something like this. Politely, because I like you, I know you're not bad people, and I don't want you thinking I'm calling you horrible. I'm just not going to stay silent.

When you drew your character wearing a swastika necklace, it wasn't cool or edgy or funny. When you changed your laptop background to a swastika, it wasn't funny or cute or for the lulz. It was fucking obnoxious. The racist comments you and your brother made also weren't funny. I know, given comments you've made at other times, that you think that the racially homogenous school we attended together for three years was fucking creepy, but I'm still not happy about some of these "jokes" you've made.

"Everyone's a Little Bit Racist" does not contain enlightening life philosophy about how we all need to admit that we're racist and then GO ON MAKING RACIST JOKES. I don't care if you like the song, but bringing it up in serious discussion on racism is ignorant. I like you a lot, but you have made racially insensitive comments before, some that lead me to believe you use comedy about racism to justify making racist remarks. That really bothers me.

Saying you got gypped is not okay. "Used as a term to describe when one has received less than they paid for. Most people do not realize it's a racist term that stems from nomadic 'gypsies' who are stereotyped as theiving criminals." From Urban Dictionary, and yes, it's true, it's racist. I'm not calling you a horrible person, just, don't say it, okay? I understand why you probably wouldn't know that, but I know if you knew the connotation you wouldn't want to say it, so, please don't. 

Dear two boyfriends of friends,

-I am willing to accept that you might be a nice guy, but drawing swastikas is, again, not cool. Your girlfriend is a wonderful person. Please try not to do things like that again, because she deserves better.
-Fuck you, asshole, fuck you and your racist jokes and your racist comments to your own fucking girlfriend and your sexism and your attempt to make crude sexual comments to me on the phone and about your girlfriend's sister. She deserved so much better than you and I am so thankful that you two are no longer involved. I have reason to believe her new guy is homophobic, too, and that also pisses me off.

Dear anyone who might be reading this,

If you think I wrote this about you, or one of these anecdotes sounds like something you've done or said, please take a deep breath yourself before commenting. I'm not trying to insult you. Unless you are one of the boyfriends I mentioned, I probably like you very much. I'm just...sick of not saying anything? And kind of annoyed? I want to rant about these incidents, even though they are long past, and I don't want to hurt you by bringing up something you did years ago. If I do confront you about something you do, please don't assume you are a horrible person. YOU AREN'T. You are human. I've made mistakes too. And on that note....

Dear younger me,

Showing your friend that Catherine Tate sketch was a bad idea. It doesn't matter that Lauren Cooper is completely out of line when she makes those transphobic and homophobic comments. It's a better idea to sit back and question if that's really just an excuse to make those comments. If we're supposed to be laughing at Lauren or with Lauren. Just...don't do that. Your friend was right, Lauren was being fucking mean in that skit, and it wasn't funny. 

Dear me a month or so ago,

Think before telling that amusing story of your friend's sign language blunders. You may have been thinking the sentence "I want a chocolate donut" changing to "I want a chocolate whore" was amusing and about a literal prostitute made of chocolate. But I'm pretty sure the whole fucking room thought it was about race. Also, the word whore isn't cool anyway. Why the fuck did you tell that story?

Dear room of people,

I am sorry. Very sorry. I fucked up, bad, and I wish I could have said something about it then.

*feels better now*


7/23/10 12:22 pm - Yesyesyes.

In a few hours I will be picking up my baby my Mac. I am ridiculously excited. I already have plans to slap stickers all over it- preferably some of the queer, animal rights, and music related variety. Unfortunately, my new Mac will have conflict minerals in it. I'm not happy about this at all, but researching the conflict minerals movement led me to discover its failings:


7/22/10 11:06 pm - "Passing" really isn't that important.

I've been fretting over whether or not I pass as male when I am male, but the more I think about it, it doesn't matter. I've been trying to adopt the masculinity of the people who see me rather than embracing the masculinity that bubbles up from inside me. Just because my painted nails might make people think I'm female doesn't mean I'm wrong if I ask them to address me as male. I don't need to hide my feminine characteristics to be male. I mean, there are times when I would really like to do that, and times when I see shirtless guys with abs and stare, not because I'm interested, but because I'm envious, but that doesn't mean that any day I'm not binding is a day when I'm not male. I'm male right now. I doubt anyone would guess unless they asked, but I am, and the one thing that makes that true isn't my body, or how I dress, or my tone of voice, or my hair, but the fact that I feel it.

Would I like to "pass" as male? Sometimes. Does not being read as male feel weird when I am male? Ugh, yes, very! But does the way people perceive me affect my gender identity? I'd like to say no. I know I'm not quite there yet, and I tend to suffer huge self esteem blows when I'm treated as female on a day where I feel male. I know I'd feel the same if I were read as male on a female day. But I'm hoping to one day be able to correct people when they address me, regardless of whether or not they will believe me.

7/22/10 10:56 am - Work post, again.

 I am finding work really depressing today. Maybe it's the lighting, maybe it's the fact that my office has no windows and is pretty much bare and bleak, maybe it's the fact that I haven't really moved much because I've been sitting for hours working on websites. I don't want to do a bad job on things, but I feel like I'm wearing out. I still didn't get much sleep, and I had trouble waking up this morning. I have Pandora and Pitchfork for music, and I have a room with nice air conditioning (the rest of the office is a lot warmer), but I'm still finding concentrating and keeping positive difficult. I think I'll set up the gallery for one of the two sites I'm maintaining, then go for a walk to lift my spirits up a bit. It's not fun being sedentary and tired but unable to sleep.

7/21/10 10:58 pm - Look at this fucking hipster who stole my boyfriends.

Ngl, dude, I'm kind of jealous.

7/21/10 04:45 pm - Work almost over.

I managed to pretty much put together a website today, as well as spend a lot of time working with a really frustrating picture on the home page of the main site I'm designing. It kept showing up differently in various browsers and annoying me quite a lot.

I'm currently exhausted, as I only got three hours of sleep last night. I should have gone to bed sooner, but I was silly and decided that staying up late was a good idea. Fortunately, I was still able to wake up and get to work this morning, and be mostly productive. I am sort of wearing out now, but I put in a lot of time today, and pretty much worked through lunch.

My nose is feeling a bit odd now. :/ That's not good.

I am thrilled that I found a working pair of headphones here, even if they don't totally work.
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7/21/10 12:21 pm - Work

 Sometimes web design can get tedious. Really tedious. You'd think that sitting in front of a computer all day would be an ideal job, and while there are some excellent things about that, it's not quite as wonderful as it might sound. After a while, I find myself messing with graphics and trying to make everything really shiny simply because my eyes are about to bleed from all the code I'm reading and writing.

I just need to keep reminding myself that with the money I make today, I can buy a proper binder.
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